it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
