so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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