i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
