Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
