take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
