I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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