I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
