My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
