I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize