happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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