I think im going to throw up on grandma
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
