I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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