I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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