My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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