I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
