My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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