i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
