my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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