i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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