I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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