pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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