After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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