you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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