Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
