you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
