The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
