When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
