I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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