And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
