So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you had me at cake vodka
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
