My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize