I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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