So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
