I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
