every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I deserve this hangover.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
