I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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