I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize