so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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