Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
