Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
