I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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