I am in a vortex of obligation.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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