I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
