guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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