I just cut my nipple shaving
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
