I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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