I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
