Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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