So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
