I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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