After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
