Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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