how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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