He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
