My underwear smells like fireworks.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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