apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
