wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
