It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
