puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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