I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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